ThatStepLife's picture

BM says....

I really think BM is gonna eff up her kids in the long run.

DH and I have our hands in the air with some of this. She tells us some of the most off the wall things the kids say to her regarding their time with us (and this information is only brought up to us if we bring something up out of concern for the kids).

For example (this is a real email.. kid you not...I just changed the names)

DH: SS3 has been using the F-Bomb. Just wanted to make you aware. We have talked to him about it.

BM: What?!!?? That's crazy!!!! I'm done with the crazy!!! He did NOT learn that from me. I do NOT use that kind of language. Come to think of it, the kids told me that they heard YOU say it. And if you could stop, that would be great. Also, the girls were going to bring their Kindergarten workbooks to your house, but told me that you wouldn't help them and that they would be alone (their words not mine). So you might want to talk to them about it. Also, they don't want to wear their nice clothes to your house there cause they said they will get "stuck" and won't be able to bring them home (again, THEIR words not mine).

7 minutes later

BM: SS3 told me that you were slamming doors. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do that. I was hoping by divorcing you that I could remove the kids from the toxicity that WAS our life on a daily basis. He's also been mentioning shooting people with a nerf gun.

We ignored all that. And haven't heard anything since. But we can't even bring up something in a neutral way without her going for the jugular. Thankfully this is all done through email these days as DH has told her that texting is for urgent issues only.

I'm just saddened that she takes what the kids say to her and makes it so evil and twists it. Like she knows soooo much about what happens at our house--
I almost wonder if there are cameras (Gosh, I wouldn't put it past her...)

BrightFuture99's picture

Sensitive much, BM? Knee jerk

Sensitive much, BM? Knee jerk reaction much, BM? LOLOLOLOL

ThatStepLife's picture

DH and I looked at each other

DH and I looked at each other like, "WTF just happened??"

lol.

It's like this EVERY TIME. You should've seen her reaction when DH told her he wanted more information about the program she was trying to get SS3 in for preschool.

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We're all in this together

Templeton21's picture

She probably drills them for

She probably drills them for information as soon as they get home. I'm pretty sure that is what happens with BM in our situation. For at least the first year every time SD would go back to her after SO's time BM would start a frenzy of angry text based on whatever she got out of SD and 99% of the time it was completely inaccurate! I am glad SO finally learned to not feed into it! This is why SD knows that all she has to do is tell mommy something and drama will ensue!

Acratopotes's picture

the only solution would

the only solution would be......

teach the kids, what happens in BM's house stays there you are not interested unless it could kill them or hurt them, Same rule applies for your house... they should not tattle shit to BM..

Then if SS# drops the F-bomb deal with it, he could've picked it up any where.. do not even mention it to BM... some chilli sauce or time out punishment will teach him not to say it in your house

—

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

Templeton21's picture

Acra, we tried that solution

Acra, we tried that solution with our SD. It doesn't work when BM encourages her to continue telling her everything and the kid loves to gossip like her mom. We don't ask her about her mom's house but told her if there was a concern or dangerous situation there she could talk to us about it and other than that her mom's business is not our business. She still continued to give a play by play of her mom's new bf staying the night and how she stayed up listening to them until 3am. I even interrupted her several times during the story telling her it wasn't my business and I didn't want to know. SD and BM then spun what we said around to "SD told me you told her not to tell me what is happening at your house, I hope you aren't really telling her this, I need to know and she can talk to me about it!" and a whole other load of crap about how SO is a bad dad for this and blah blah blah!

Any other suggestions?!?! Sorry, I'm totally chiming in on OPs blog. Just dealing with very similar circumstances.

steppingback's picture

Everything you do will be

Everything you do will be wrong. Everything.

Templeton21's picture

Oh trust me, I know, LOL!

Oh trust me, I know, LOL! That is why I am glad I found this site and learned about disengaging and have been trying to implement that more and more!

ThatStepLife's picture

this is fine! don't worry

this is fine! don't worry about it. that's why we are here! ask away Smiling

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We're all in this together

Acratopotes's picture

Be persistent....when SD

Be persistent....when SD starts blapping about BM, smile and say NO.. we are not going to talk about BM in this house... if she tries to go on, say SD I said NO.. it's gossiping, cut her short time after time, and keep on doing it, change the subject..

if SD runs to her mum and complains and the bitch calls you , smile and say I'm really not interested in listening to SD telling me about you having sex till 3AM in the mornings keeping her awake....

that should shut her down

—

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

Templeton21's picture

Well that has been my course

Well that has been my course of action so far so I will continue on it. I have continued to shut her down when she starts this and she does it with EVERYONE...not just her mom...one day she went on for 15 minutes about the poor little girl that we used to live next to and how her dad is an alcoholic and she is going to have to go into foster care and her mom would take her but can't....I was really waiting for SO to shut her down b/c we had just talked about how she needed to stop blabbing everyone's business...he didn't so I told her I didn't need to know any of that and it isn't nice to spread other's personal business!

We actually did tell BM that she was telling us ALL of her business (like how she $hit herself on accident twice)...you would think BM would have put a stop to it then but nope b/c she doesn't want to stop her info flow!

Oh and BM doesn't call or text me. That has only happened a few times until I learned to just ignore her crazy and not feed it!

nengooseus's picture

I agree completely that this

I agree completely that this is the right course of action, HOWEVER, I will tell you that my skids' (idiot) therapist has advised on multiple occasions *not* to do this because it makes the poor baby skids feel like they have to compartmentalize their life. *wah*

Templeton21's picture

Shocking, I'm sure BM picked

Shocking, I'm sure BM picked that therapist! SD's BM tried telling us that SD was in therapy b/c of my son and that the therapist told her to separate SD from my son and so she was going to withhold parenting time (she came up with all of this and texted it on our way back from our first family vacation - that she wouldn't let SD go on with us). SO called the therapist (he has rights to the visit/info/etc in custody agreement). SD hadn't even been in to be evaluated yet! SO went to the first apt. Therapist told BM that looks like the problems were all at BM's house and that she should reconsider how she was parenting basically. SO was never asked to attend therapy with them again and therapy ended shortly after! LOL! Didn't go how crazy planned! BM likes to pretend she is a therapist and child expert though b/c she has TWO degrees and is a reading specialist at a school!

ThatStepLife's picture

SHE CANNOT WITHHOLD PARENTING

SHE CANNOT WITHHOLD PARENTING TIME.

sorry. idk why I'm yelling.

But she can't.

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We're all in this together

Templeton21's picture

LOL, no worries, I always

LOL, no worries, I always want to yell when talking about BM too Eye-wink Yeah, she thought she could get away with that threat but we came back with facts - she also threatened calling CPS. My mom's best friend just retired from CPS so I called her for information and then we let BM know that we knew she was lying b/c no licensed therapist would tell her that without a court order and a valid reason and if the therapist did say that without either of those things they could lose their license/practice. We also told her if she did withhold parenting time SO would show up and make a police report to document it and hold her in contempt. See the problem was/is that she used to just bully SO and threaten things like this and court (before I came along) and he was weak and just went with it. BM is always making stupid threats when she can't exert her control issues over us!

Tomatoe's picture

I know why she does that. She

I know why she does that. She is in protection mode. If you bring your emails to court showing that you told her ss is cussing it looks bad on her. Her response turns that around and makes yall look bad.

BrightFuture99's picture

The only problem with her

The only problem with her response is that it's clearly DEFENSIVE and why is she saving up a list of concerns to throw at the dad only after he mentions a concern? Any halfway intelligent judge is going to see that she's just trying to deflect.

ThatStepLife's picture

we used to respond to these

we used to respond to these things, too.

He would defend us and after it would only create more drama, we had to stop.

As much as we have to bite our tongues, it will look worse on her if she continues to respond this way.

We try to only bring up issues of coparenting and not personal preferences . IT is a work in progress and we are learning along the way--mainly from the mistakes we make.

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We're all in this together

Boymom's picture

I can relate completely. My

I can relate completely. My SO and BM only communicate thru emails because SO saves it all for documentation and has used it in court.

SO emailed BM a few weeks ago about SD's attitude and lack of respect. He asked that they be on the same page since this is normal tween behavior and to work together since she will be entering the teen years soon enough and puberty! Her response was "I have no idea what you are talking about! She is always very respectufyl and happy in my home"!

I wanted to throat punch her right through the computer!

No tween is happy and respectful all the time - it is just normal! SO said he sent that email intentionally knowing he would get that response because when they go to court he now how documentation that she is not working together for the wel being of the child. (SO is an attorney and knows what the judges look for).

missjoyfulme's picture

BIFF. Brief Informational,

BIFF. Brief Informational, friendly (non emotional) and firm. In that ALL communication is email. In addition, we PARALLEL Parent. Co-parenting (which is lots of communication and basically she just wants DH to do her bidding) is NOT possible when the other side is personality disordered or unreasonable.

Protect your home, your joy, your marriage, your family.

ThatStepLife's picture

yes. absolutely. Thank you

yes. absolutely. Thank you for this. I agree and we have been sort of doing this since about April or so.

BM wants to coparent so badly, but we just can't. The minute she meets any type of opposition from us, she will lose her $hit.

One time she texted randomly and said, "I was thinking: we should agree on a bed time for both households so that the kids can get into a routine before school starts."

We said: you can come up with one that works for you and we will come up with one that works for us.

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We're all in this together

strugglingSM's picture

When BM feels backed into a

When BM feels backed into a corner, she drafts an email accusing DH of talking about "adult issues" with the children. Some recent favorites:

"Mommy, why was the judge so mean to daddy?" I asked DH if they saw a judge during their divorce proceedings and he said no.

"Mommy, dad says he's going to buy a house next to yours, so he can stop paying you child support." That is, according to her, a direct quote from a 9 year old. Also, we had no plans to move at that time.

"Mommy, dad says he's going to make me move in with him when he buys a new house and I don't want to move in with him because my school district is better. I'm sad because I don't know how to tell dad I don't want to move in with him." A direct quote from an 11 year old according to BM. At that time, we were moving, but were not going to have the kids move in with us. A week after this message was sent, child says "dad, I don't want to move into your new house." DH replies, "you're not moving in full time, but you will spend your visits with me in the new house." Child replies, "dad, you're not being truthful. Mom says you're going to take us away from her when you move into your new house."

ThatStepLife's picture

Yep. Sounds to me like mom is

Yep. Sounds to me like mom is inserting HER fears into the 11yo. Wonder if she's playing a game by saying it to you to see if you'll confirm or deny.

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We're all in this together