thinkthrice's picture

Think It's Just as Easy to Be A StepMOM as a StepDAD?

Think again.

Do a search in youtube for: girl (or boy) adopted by stepdad and there will be a boatload of "happy moments" of stepdad happily bonding with skid and skid completely accepting stepdad. Most BMs seem in a mega hurry to replace biodad so it all flows smoothly.

Not nearly as many "happy endings" if you reverse the search to: boy (or girl) adopted by stepmom. In fact the vids soon flip back to skid asks to be adopted by stepdad again! LOL

I bring this up because SD stb 19 had the gall to post a video in which a 4-5 year old girl gets adopted by her stepdad and the same ol' "biodad stepped out" which often means biodad was PUSHED out by PASing BM and the "family" court system--whilst "stepdad stepped in."

Then it goes on to mention that biodad terminated his parental rights. OH if only that could be done. Constructive Emancipation by Conduct, baby! Chef would be in heaven! No more coming up on two decade long CS payments to skids that are going nowhere fast. But the Gir would never do that due to the $$$$$.

moving_on_again's picture

The skids stepdad posted one

The skids stepdad posted one of the vids one time. Even though SO is at every damn event. They never did it, though, because I'm sure the idiot figured out BM would lose child support. And there is no way stepdad or BM would let that happen. So going to court for full custody of the youngest skid should be fun, soon.

ESMOD's picture

I think there is a difference

I think there is a difference between a step parent adopting a step kid and being a quasi/alternate parental figure in the kid's life.

But, I do think that the underlying issue of relative ease of BEING a stepfather vs stepmother can lead to the apparently unequal incidence of adoption by a stepdad vs stepmom.

Why? Well... First, I think that it is, unfortunately, easier for men/some men to move on from the responsibility of their children. Men aren't typically the primary caregivers to children and when they move on to the next partner, they can also have pressure from that person to minimize the remnants of prior relationships (ie kids). I am fairly certain there is some biologically innate component at work here. Man wants to spread seed far and wide. Women are inclined to try to find a mate who will stick around and provide.. two different biological makeups.

Then there is the maternal bond. This is good in the jungle when you are protecting your young from a lion. This is potentially bad when your EX meets a new woman and you get all protective and controlling over the kids and don't want "that woman" to be around them or be liked by them. It's jealousy, but it's also a primal urge to a certain extent to protect their young. Then there is the bitterness of the split between the parents. Women do tend to take things more emotionally and personally than many men I know. This also feeds into that scenario.

This is not to say there aren't abysmal moms and doting, committed fathers. We have examples of this on our site all the time.

But, with women being the more likely caregivers on a more full time basis for the children, it seems that the opportunity for a stepdad to be into the picture more increases.

Also, even with bio dads... the new SO is often shoved into a role of mother to other's kids that doesn't always mesh well. It is the down and dirty part of mothering, not the tossing a football with the ss that stepdad gets to do. Stepdad can act fatherly.. but that doesn't necessarily involve all the stuff "moms" do, cooking for, shuttling around, caring for sick etc...

BethAnne's picture

I think also that many women

I think also that many women hold their motherhood as a key part of their self image and self worth and that society does not place the same pressure to do so on men. So then when a threat to their motherhood is perceived some mothers will react negatively to it and lash out to try to protect and prove their status. I think that men tend not to have so much of their identity wound up in their parental status and it is more acceptable societally to hold other things in equal or greater status alongside their fatherhood.

ESMOD's picture

This is very true too.

This is very true too.

strugglingSM's picture

Now that I'm married to a

Now that I'm married to a non-custodial bioDad, I can see why so many dads lose connection with their kids. DH works hard to be part of their lives, but BM does her best to keep info from him, especially things like subpar grades or behavior issues. She also does her best to relegate him to a non-parenting role by restricting his communication with the children during the week, making the children refer to her new husband as "our dad" and she and her husband as "our parents". If I ever asked the kids to call me mom all hell would break loose and she told DH I was not allowed to go to school events because I'm "not family" (even though we're married). He asks his kids about their week and tries to contact them to follow up on school or sports or whatnot, but they don't respond, either. Then he has to deal with one crying and screaming over "why do you hate my mom?!" And "mom told me how you caused the divorce." I know he doesn't like the situation and has told me that he feels hopeless to help his children, but he still keeps at it, taking whatever crumbs he can get and being criticized throughout. BM is not "protecting" her children like a lion, she's pissing on her territory like a dog. She wants to "win" -!: be seen as the only parent who matters. That's about her, not the children. I'm surprised my DH still puts in so much effort and not surprised that so many other fathers lose hope. Fighting for crumbs or settling for being the fun weekend uncle, instead of a full parent is exhausting and demoralizing. More fathers probably walk away because mothers are still typically granted full custody, which gives them all the control.

moving_on_again's picture

Yep - all of this. SO went to

Yep - all of this. SO went to events where the skids pretended as if they didn't know him. He never stopped and now SS is at our house and supposedly MSD is moving back in with BM but it won't last. They will get in a fight about something and MSD will take off. Again. Plus MSD is over 18 so I don't really care where she lives.

thinkthrice's picture

same thing here too. after

same thing here too. after Chef woke up and attempted to stop the disneying (which I said was a bad idea from day one), the phony CPS repoŕts started and the PAS won out.

Not surprising because I talked to one of these beta male p-whipped-by-the-BM stepdads (TM) a few years back (coworker) and he told me in no uncertain terms that an NCP biodad and SM's role should be nothing BUT disneying the skids and with the smallest amount of time with the skids as possible.

Author of "The Guilty Parent Trap"--Amazon Kindle

moving_on_again's picture

SO never disneyed. He's not a

SO never disneyed. He's not a hard ass but he doesn't believe in spoiling kids. That's part the reason BM's PAS and bribing worked so well. I remember the SDs saying one time that SO was a "bad" dad because he didn't buy them new clothes every week. He just laughed at them. I do worry about CPS now, however, BM has been warned in a courtroom by a GAL (I witnessed this) that if she made another false allegation, there would be a report made against her. She's not as smart as your BM. In fact, she's quite dumb. And she's lost every single time in court so she's afraid of it. Also, I work in law office so she thinks I have special powers. I do not. I do have access to things that she doesn't but I can't talk about them so it's kind of worthless.

It probably helped that SO had 51% custody, so we saw them just as much as her.

Sweet T's picture

I think a lot of it has to do

I think a lot of it has to do with how much the bio parent allows the step parent to be treated how much authority they allow the parent to have.

My former steps have a great relationship with their step dad and my bs has a great relationship with my husband.

My husband does a lot for my son and I expect my son to treat him with respect and appreciation. You also can't expect an adult to do for your child without allowing them authority.

Basic no give no take.

Most woman on here don't have a stepkid or bm problem they have a husband problem. I did, divorced him and still have a relationship with the kids and their mom.

Merry's picture

It's also societal. Even my

It's also societal. Even my own mother thought my ex was so wonderful for being such a good, involved dad after we divorced. Know what he did? Stuck to the visitation schedule and child support arrangements and was high conflict only occasionally. He wasn't a BAD dad, just nothing special to get all praise-y about. My DD was with me 90% of the time. Know what my mom thought about that? It is my job--I'm the mother, so no big deal.

Also, the notion of the wicked stepmother has been normalized. Find a fairy tale or Disney movie where the stepmother isn't hateful. Is there one? Maybe, but I haven't found it. So the starting point for stepmothers is evil, and everything we do is scrutinized, criticized, and harshly judged for being not this or that, or not knowing this or that, or not doing the right thing, or doing the absolute wrong thing, for speaking up, for not speaking up, for spending SOs money, for not spending more of our own money. You get it.

We don't stand a chance UNLESS our SOs love us more than they hate conflict. Fortunately for me, my DH decided staying married to me was preferable to his other options, which I made very clear to him at one point. We're doing better than ok now.